(H/T Angry Asian Man)
This has to be the most brilliant video game review I have ever read. Boing Boing managed to get three current, honest-to-God members of the yakuza, to play and review Yakuza 3, a Grand Theft Auto-style videogame inspired by the infamous Japanese gangsters.
Yakuza 3 follows the story of protagonist Kazama Kiryu, a retired yakuza who runs an orphanage in Okinawa. Unfortunately, plot events conspire to force Kiryu to return to his yakuza ways, so that he can defend his orphanage from corrupt real estate developers.
Reporter Jake Adelstein was joined by three yakuza members (given nicknames for the purposes of the article) to play through the Japanese version of Yakuza 3 and review its authenticity. Although their gameplay was hampered by missing fingers (which apparently makes holding a PS3 controller difficult), the three yakuza members managed to finish the game.
Boing Boing recounts their reactions to various elements of the videogame. Here was my favourite:
FIGHT SCENES
Author’s note: Midoriyama gets very excited during the fighting sequences, standing up from the couch at points and actually lurching towards the screen. Kuroishi never loses his cool playing the game and keeps practicing combinations until he gets it right. Shirokawa curses under his breath, but whenever he wins he yells “Yatta!”. They all agree that the combat is strictly fantasy material, with some exceptions.
S: Nobody ever dies. It’s unrealistic.
K: Kiryu is fighting all the time. He’s gotta be a fucking idiot. No yakuza is going to run around getting into fistfights like that. Especially not an executive type. He’ll wind up in jail or in the hospital or dead, maybe even whacked by his own people for being a troublemaker. These days, he’d probably get kicked out before even going to jail. Guys like that start gang wars and nobody wants that now. When a yakuza gets into a fight, it’s serious business.
M: A real fight–it’s short and it’s brutal. Over in a minute. Nobody goes around trading blows and crap like that. Usually the first guy to punch wins.
K: I like that you can grab things like ashtrays or billboards and beat the crap out of the punks bothering you. Or smash their faces into car windows. That’s what you’d really do in a fight, grab something and use it as a weapon.
S: Why doesn’t he just shoot them?
K: That would be unrealistic. Nobody is going to waste a bullet on some street punk, like the ones that keep bugging Kiyru.
M: If they wanted to make it realistic, he’d pull out a gun and shoot it and miss! Or the damn thing wouldn’t fire. That would be realistic. (They all laugh).
K: Shooting people sends a message.
M: So does shooting anything. Shooting people gets you sent to jail.
K: That’s part of the job description.
I don’t know if this review makes me want to buy and play Yakuza 3, but it sure as heck makes me want to read other video games reviewed by yakuza. Could you imagine? Metal Gear Solid 4 as reviewed by yakuza. Dynasty Warriors as reviewed by yakuza. Super Mario Brothers as reviewed by yakuza. Dance Dance Revolution as reviewed by yakuza. Monkey Ball as reviewed by yakuza. There should be a whole blog devoted to this subject.
